an imaginary friend

Gill says: 'My my my my, i've fallen for him. for the night we've spent. everytime he used to touch me, it felt so right. his glance felt like i look in a mirror, but i was not alone any more. and then, a shock. i collapsed so suddenly. i just remembered his last words the other day. he didn't kiss me. and i learned, i shall never see him again.

They just leave. never bother to kiss me goodbye. i then start thinking is there anything wrong with me. i go on with my usual 'i do not deserve to be loved' whining. and they...

...they just get to know this before anything happens, through my behaviour. through my glances. i cant lie very well, you know. oh this is such a flaw. oh i'm classic victimologist's material.

I am so sick and tired of loneliness. time goes by, and i only hope these paroxysms of depression will finish me off sooner or later. time is ssslipping ssso ssslowly. this music in my head is croaking disturbing sounds, which means...

 ...the panic is near. Noone talks to me, how could i not hear the music in silence. i am only waiting for his return. waiting and waiting AND waiting as time goes by, killing my youth.

Why baby? Y did U leave me? don't you know how i suffer. no, you don't know, and i suppose you don't think of me at all. what have i done wrong.

I tried to recall every single word i had said. maybe i sounded stupid. maybe i was not good enough as a lover. how come that i cry for you everyday, and you dont even want to know me any more.

I do not think you are like me, any more. you're someone else, an alien. i fear of you. i do not understand what you speak. i do not recall the smell of your skin, the look and feel of you.

Why your skin is different. you smell different. your hair. i do not recall your hair in my fingers. i do not recall you were real. are you real, or he was just my imaginary friend i met in the mirror of my mind.

because i'm tired of being locked here all alone, not having my friends around any more. not having sex with my boyfriend who is apparently gone just like all the others'.

Zombie Toren says: '...I was a boy, just like you. and i had them freckles all over my skin, remember? i then met you, the one in the whole world i needed. everytime you use to touch me, it felt so right. your glance felt like i look in a mirror, but i was not alone any more.

I'm sorry I was taken aback and didn't kiss you goodbye. But all the world was mine, that's what i thought about you. i've been living through that night by WEEKS, after i left. i definitely was going to see you again. and then, a shock. i collapsed so suddenly.

They've taken me for a hunt, just the other day they found out about us. They've taken me to the backwoods, and left to die into the winter night. I was the youngest brother, noone would miss me if i was gone.

Those foxes and wolves distracted me with lullabys, howling at me in the night, but they couldnt reach me, i've been chained too high on the rock. i've been listening and listening to the winter lullabys untill i fell asleep.

I've been dreaming about my eyes got glassy and broke down with a mournful tinkling. My skin has become a coarse crust, and my blood has become a blue rust, so i lost myself. it felt nothing but loose lust. and this wasn't the end.

I lost everything I loved, but when I awoke, I thought, why not to find everything again, like all the stubborn boys do. Like all the boys that never cry do. Just before I forget. The foxe's yap beneath my feet sounded approving of my decision.

My skin blueish and grey, my abdomen feels too soft... internal haemorrhage coagulated under my skin. i suspect i start rotting from the inside, this is kinda creepy. But everything will be allright with us- unless someone ever finds my bones, you know.

This house you have moved in, leaving your boyfriend behind, looked so romantic. Dark and cold, the wallflowers hanging strangled everywhere. Sorry to know your manic is at the height baby.

But arent you stuck to being washed ashore by tidal waves? You just don't get how good it feels to rot inside you forever. Becoming a shapeless mass within your body. Noone will find us under the sun. And this is the happy ending'. The end.